JUST A PALE BROWNED-OFF BLOB

Recluse - am I one? Of the indifferent, ignorant and insouciant type?

Humans - their endless expectations. Work - its materialistic nature. How they asphyxiate and clog my cranium.

I dream. I walk. I write. I sit under a tree and watch the aurorae. I speak with them. I see young children play - inventing games along the way.

The chants beckon. The air resonates with idyllic intonations.

I float. I drown. I taste ecstasy. Water makes all burdens light.

Life searches for life. I scan the skies. Light-years I wait. And a glimpse I get.

Flames of restlessness engulf me. I wonder. I wander. I'm just a pale browned-off blob!

PS: I confess. I have no clue what I wanted to write. Heavily inspired by Carl Sagan's book. Au revoir.

THE IMMISCIBLE ENTITIES

These days, all the time I wonder what makes life worth living. Is it the people around you – your friends and family... Your job... Your dreams... Or merely knowing what you want to do, how you want to be known and where you want to be. Of course, life never finds a solution for you. In fact, never even lets you find a solution. And then life – the big four letter word – becomes bigger than yourself. You begin to fight with it and try to clobber it into a small dark obscure corner of your heart. And when your own life can’t understand you, not one among those friends and family can either. That is when you begin to realise, it is not your life that is in the dark obscure corner of your heart. It is you.

THE DELUGE...

Today was unlike any other day in my life. Today was special. Today, I felt the pangs of nostalgia strike me once again, only this time, of an immeasurable magnitude. The day began with the newspaper, a cup of Bournvita and instructions from amma to clean up my room. I had books strewn all around me. The clutter. The chaos. Was all this a reflection of my mind? I couldn’t answer for a feeling of being suffocated set in. Music can heal this mess, I presumed. With my PC playing songs from the movie ‘Swades’, I began with the intention of discarding unnecessary books and papers. The mistake that I made, ‘fortunately’, was that I had not defined the concept ‘unnecessary’.

Among the rubble were my LKG and UKG progress reports. My standard one report too – 497/500 yet I had managed only a Fifth rank! No way I should discard these, I convinced myself. Couple of note books followed – standard seven Geography and standard nine Hindi. I caressed those pages, hoping to revive a few fond memories. By my side were Physics texts – ninth, tenth, PUC and my favourite – Resnick, Walker and Halliday. “I lived and loved them all. Please amma, don’t force me to dispose them.”

“Fine… But of what use are these GK books now, when everything is available over the internet?” Amma was determined to make me part with half of my treasure as much as I was to safeguard them. “Appa got these from Delhi, more than 15years ago. These would stay.”

I had constructed a tower of Competition Success Reviews, Wisdoms, Chandamamas, Amar Chitra Kathas and Panchatantras. “My kids would read these,” I told amma.

“And all these books on the Bhagavad Gita?”

“Those I would read when I find time...”

“Hmm... Do what you want.” Amma knew and I did too, that not a square inch of paper was going to make it to the bin. She left me, while I sat waiting for the deluge of memories to flood my mind.

I flipped through the pages of my B.Sc Physics practical observation notebook – Newton’s Rings, Biprism, Ballistic Galvanometer... and my heart grew heavier. The calculations, the amount of time spent on them, the manipulated results... Shut them out, shut them out... I screamed. I closed the book and then, my eyes, waiting for the accustomed slide show of my college days. They whizzed past me, in rapid succession – the wooden stairs, giggling girls, basket ball court, noodles pakkoda... And I saw myself, singing ‘Yunhi chala chal’ with my friends... Friends, who had been by my side only yesterday and gone in different directions today… and perhaps never to meet again... The smell of wet mud, the parched earth, the hugs, the warmth, the mirth, the fun... All lost in time...

The rustle of a gift-wrapper brought me out of my séance. “To a lovely guide and philosopher,” read the card on the cover. I stared at it. The ice-breaker, the first SMS, the summer course – images crashed in. ‘Yeh jo des hai tera’ played mildly in the background. “The song makes me want to go back to where I belong – my land, my people,” I heard him say. “It’s a calling, I can feel it.” And within a few months, he left. “Do you still think of the incidents that unfolded 2-3 years back?” I asked him one day over email. His reply shook me violently, “Don’t remind me of my past...”

“Don’t remind me of my past...” I heard myself say today. “Don’t remind me...” A cold wave swept over my body, snapping me out of my reverie.

I held tightly the wrapper and observation book. “Amma, Ranjith would be appearing for Board exams this year. Handover my Physics texts to him. He'd need these more than I do... And the rest...will stay...”

THE 8 'FACT'ORS

Hi all..! I'm taking a li'l break from my stories, to bring to you tales about GG..! Thanks Subs for: 1. Tagging me 2. Making me write something more fun! :)

In the 8 Facts about Yourself, you share 8 things that your readers don’t know about you. Then at the end you tag at least 8 other bloggers to keep the fun going. Here are the rules.

RULES:
* Each blogger must post these rules first.
* Each blogger starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
* Bloggers that are tagged need to write on their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
* At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
* Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.****

F‘ACT’ 1 – I CAN ACT!

When I was 6years old, Appa brought home a video cassette of the Tamil film, Thiruvilayadal. I was hooked and drenched! It was around the same time that former Prime Minister of India, Rajiv Gandhi, was assassinated and announcements were flooding air-waves on cash awards for those who help capture Sivarasan and gang. Amma, appa and anna were having dinner when the announcement was on… I jumped, spontaneously, towards the television screen, raised my hands in the air and screamed… “Enna sonna, enna sonna… rendu lakshama..? Chokkaaaa Chokkaaa… andha rendum laksham enakke kadaikanamey… Chokkkaa… rendum laksham… rendu laksham… oiyo oiyo oiyo…” My parents were ultra-puzzled, almost speechless for few minutes at my imitation of Nagesh, untaught, yet exact. Till date, appa while appreciating Nagesh’s prowess would cite this incident to demonstrate the influence the actor has on kids and elders alike!

Several people have come up to me and have asked if I am Shruthi, Shyamali’s sister in the film Anjali! Weird coincidence, but we did look a lot alike when we were young. Amma was wondering the other day if Shruthi looks like me now!

I happened to be in a Gujarati dance for the Annual Day in school during my eighth grade. As my roommate aptly puts it – “two left feet is all that took for her to go into hiding.” My teachers couldn’t trace me out and I enjoyed this oblivion by taking shelter in the music room. After a few minutes, I learnt that this ‘music room group’ was staging a play for the Annual Day called, The Ballad of River Ganga. I decided to hang around, though not a part of anything. All of a sudden, there was utter gloom in the room. The ‘Kapila Maharishi’ had apparently fallen ill with just a few days to go for the celebrations. A replacement meant auditions - rightaway! We hundred kids were asked to increase our BPs and pretend to curse the person we hated the most in the world! Having fought with my brother almost every living second of my life, this feat wasn’t difficult. Within a few seconds I was selected! My classmates, seniors and juniors, even now, call me ‘Kapila’! And of course, I was in for the next Annual Day celebrations too! ;)

Later, I put this talent to some great use in college too! Coming up with convincing performances for not submitting assignments on time, bunking classes, covering up for my roomie… You get the point, rt? ;)

FACT 2

I cannot do any kind of driving, except perhaps, driving people crazy. Time now for a quick flashback. Appa chose an auspicious day to start my bicycle training sessions. He asked me not to look back but to keep peddling… peddling… peddling… After I had gone a few feet, I broke the rule, turned back, didn’t see my father behind me and the next image was that of a frightened me falling into the garbage bin! That was the first and last day I ever touched a bicycle in my life and resolved to never touch a bike too! Well… Car is an exception – you couldn’t fall into the bin! I got my DL when I was 18! Now it comes in so handy! Any photo ID proof required, I just flash it across! :D

FACT 3

I love cricket – to watch and to play though it has been 10 years since I touched the willow :( Appa taught me fast bowling – Yorkers and bouncers! And my bowling action used to resemble Ata-ur-Rehman’s! Games always brought in me a lot of joy – the excitement and challenge – amaaazing! Of course, during my teens, I became more interested in fast bowlers! ;) Shane Bond, Brett Lee, Laxmipathy Balaji, Shaun Pollock…

FACT 4

I nicknamed my teacher ‘Soya Beans’. I was 11 years old then! ;) I don’t repent for that, but crap, I got caught! I have been awarded several titles too but ‘Empty vessel’ is my favourite :D

Some special words from my family members –

My bro: Hey, you’re looking like a heroine!
Me: *On cloud 999*

Appa to his friend: Don’t take it easy. She can bowl.
Me: *Wowee* :D

FACT 5

My first film in the cinemas was either ‘Aboorva Sahodarargal’ or ‘Paati Sollai Thattaadhae’. I wish and pray it’s the former! My first adults film was when I was… ahem… 18… and I got to know it was ‘adults only’ sometime during the first scene! ;)

Me to friend: Arey, what’s in that ‘Guru’ film yaar? Everybody is talking about it…
Friend: Yeahhhhh… I knowwww… I wanna watch it yaar…
Me: Let’s go?
Friend: Now! Now!

Me to collegemate: Hey Arpi, we are gonna watch ‘The Guru’ yaar…
Collegemate: He he… Enjoy enjoy! *wink wink*

Me to lecturer: Ma’am, we are gonna watch ‘The Guru’ now…
Lecturer: Whaaaaaaaaaat? *blink blink*

Movie over. No comments. Back home.

Amma: Such a short movie? You are back so early. What film?
Me: Some English film.
Amma: Semma discovery. Enna English film?
Me: Err… Hmm… Uhh… ‘The… Guru’…
Amma: Guru-aa? Guru of what?
Me: Guru of… Err... Guru of… Gurus… Kaelvi kaekaadha ma :x

(Next morning)
Cousin: He he… Heard you watched ‘The Guru’ yesterday…
Bro: Whaaaat? Who watched ‘The Guru’? SHE WATCHED ‘THE GURU’? @$%!#$%

FACT 6

My earliest recollections of a Tamil TV serial is ‘Rayil Sneham’, starring Nizhalgal Ravi and Suchitra Krishnamoorthi. I remember an episode quite vividly when Suchitra would cook a meal for the first time. Nizhalgal Ravi would consume it without complaining, saying it’s fabulous. When Suchitra begins eating, she realises it’s too salty. At the age of 3, I was soooo wow-ed by Nizhalgal Ravi’s affection for Suchi in the serial. I immediately had a ‘karphanai’ friend, (I couldn’t pronounce karpanai when I was young, you see!). I called him Ravi ;) Of course it only lasted few months, but during my teens I was so anxious to know if I suffered from delusions of some sort when I was younger! That was later thwarted when my lecturer said her daughter has two imaginary friends! I was better… he he.. Just one!

Of course, my all-time fav serials include ‘Nizhal villaiyaatu’ and all the stories of ‘Marma Desam’.

FACT 7

One other fact is that my silence has often been misinterpreted. I’m silent when I’m very happy. I’m silent when I want to savour the moment. I’m silent when I’m wrong. I’m silent when I’m angry. I’m silent coz I’m like that. I’m silent just like that. So people tend to misunderstand my silence. It’s difficult to break this image of a ‘snob’ that others have spun around me! *Sigh*

And speaking of emotions, nostalgia is my favourite. Soothing pleasure and searing pain it brings to me all at once. Makes me want to revel in my past and dwell in my childhood.

FACT 8

Finally, I firmly believe in the existence of UFOs and ETs. C’mon, billions of stars, millions of galaxies, but one Earth only? And this explains the Sci-Fi movie buff that I am!


I'm done..!! :)
And my Bakri would be... Prabha..!!

THE SUPERFICIAL THINKER

I see the streetlamps burning during the day and not at night…
I walk on…

I see beggars… I see malnourished children… I see their eyes…
I walk on…

I see cow dung levelling my road and no tar in sight…
I walk on, yes, on it…

And I ask - “Why am I indifferent?”


The auction happened… The IPL is ‘happening’…
I remain silent…

Motorola mobiles are better than Samsung… What say?
I remain silent…

Marxism is in! What do u think?
I remain silent…

And I ask - “Why am I not opinionated?”


You’ll spoil your hair… Don’t apply colour…
So be it…

You are a retarded cynic… A disinterested soul…
So be it…

Disfluencies… Get rid of them…
So be it…

And I ask - “Why can’t I defend myself?”


One of the fundamental problems with me, by me and why only me, is that I am a superficial thinker… Ummm…

So be it… I remain silent… And walk on…

FOOTPRINTS IN TIME...

“Earlier pre-occupied… Now unoccupied…”

“And I think that’s a clever reply. You know what I mean by that, right?"

“A criticism, Mr. Creative Director?”

He nodded.

“But that is the truth,” I muttered, nonchalantly. Sitting on the rocks made me feel like one and his questions fell upon me like the restless waves.

“I am not asking you on how you intend to win the Nobel, just what you plan to pursue-”

I had had enough of this. “Do we always have to pursue something in our lives?” My intrusion shocked him. “Why can’t I just be a Lotus Eater in the land of Ullysseses?”

There was silence and piercing through it were his eyes, combating disbelief.

“You, Ms Idealist, are telling me that food will fall on our plates? That hard work and dedication are just myths? Then, what is life if we do not have our footprints etched on these sands?”

“Only the best ones get imprinted, CD, and the rest, are blown away by the breeze.” All the turbulence in my mind was culminating in this conversation. “To be good is never enough. You need to be the best.”

“With you, it always has to be all or nothing, isn’t it?”

“And if doing nothing is what makes me happy then let me do that.”

I knew CD too well, he wouldn’t give up. “What then, is the difference between man and beast?

“I don’t need to know.”

“So you’ve stopped learning as well?”

“How do you know if whatever you comprehend is the way it is meant to be understood?”

“A question for a question, Smriti? A workaholic in school, I remember you disagreed with the Wrong Man in Workers’ Paradise… After 8 years, you disagree on work? Is this one of your crazy pop-philosophies? Then I’ll tell you what, it’s flawed...”

“I opposed the story since I felt if you prefer work and work brings you more happiness, then why not be a workaholic?”

“So where did the workaholic Smriti go? And what else have you stopped ‘doing’?”

The rock was trapped by water. It had run behind the horizon all its life and now suffocated, it only longed to be freed.

“Physics, philosophy, anthropology, astrobiology, writing, dreaming, living…” I could go on and make myself feel worthless. “Nothing seems to make sense any more. I’m interested in nothing. I’m passionate about nothing…”

A fissure was forming fast on the rock…

“CD… How is it that some people know exactly what they want to do in life? Why is it that I am still searching for that one thing which would make me happy? What if I never find it all my life, would I continue being a Lotus Eater?”

“Let’s put it this way… Some people are just lucky. But for the rest of us – we get to explore. Really Smrits, should life be taken so seriously? Can’t we just live, love, learn, laugh and pass away?”

“But I intend to live on… Live on through my creation but even that would be drowned in the shadow of the best. There would be no footprint of mine, nothing to say I existed here once upon a time…”

Water had by now plunged into the crevice…

“See these striae on the rock? Notice how water has cut through it and left behind ridges… We are like the rock and our creation is the water flowing through us… We never know when, why and how we pass on our creations but they are etched in time just like these striations.”

I understood what he meant. It was time to create a footprint...a deep one!

TO THE ANGEL ABOARD 11E…

I see you every morning as I board the bus, 11E... Your eyes, your expressive eyes, caught my attention the first time... Your ethereal fingers danced in the air when you asked me to move aside amidst the jostling crowd and the roar of the bus... You were at once to me, my angel...

And how you prattle away, so animatedly! Does your teacher in school reprimand you for being so ‘talkative’? Winning hearts with your warm smile, brimming with confidence, you just love life, don’t you? Wish I could ask you these... But all I do is watch you, as you infuse into me a renewed spirit...

Then one day, you didn’t come... My heart fluttered... I tried to suppress the myriad thoughts that crept into my mind- “She is fine, she is fine...” I repeated to myself... But you didn’t come the next day too... and the day after that... I couldn’t ask your friends or get rid of those thoughts... “She’d come, wait,” I consoled myself... And this little nymph did come a week later, with a hanky between your fingers!

I saw you alight from the bus and help your brothers and sisters get down one-by-one... I looked up to read the name of your school – “Little Flower Convent.” You are God’s own child... I do not know your name, but you are to me, a girl who made peace with Him just through your silence... I love you my little angel...